You know when you go to a Chinese restaurant, the paper place mat has all the Chinese New Year's animals and the birth years that coincide? You remember, like if you were born in 1963 or 1976 or 1984 or whatever... you were born under the sign of the Pig. I don't know what that means exactly, maybe something to do with growing an abundance of grain... but I was certainly fascinated by the seemingly accurate predictions it made. I would neatly roll up the place mat and take it home for further study. And in my youth (at my age I can assign that description to my early-20's) I could hardly wait to read my horoscope to learn my destiny for the day. I took it so seriously that my girlfriend and I would call one another daily to discuss the "amazing similarities" of the Gemini and Scorpio prognostications. No wonder we were so compatible. It was in the stars......duh?

Heck, I even saw a palm reader one time (forgive me Lord) in Sweet Water, Alabama. I was in the midst of a shaky relationship and I needed the skinny on my man. She was very nice, but not very intuitive. Why, she never even mentioned a "Ted" and was waaaaay off about that career thing. And no, she didn't wear a turban and a bunch of fake Sarah Coventry jewelry. I remember she had long red nails with "real" diamonds glued on the tips. I'd never seen that before. Or since.

And just so you know, I read the last box of the comic strip before the first. What's up with that?

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that I'm the kind of person who NEEDS TO KNOW. And for what appears to be the most important, LET'S FACE IT, life or death decision I've ever made, I'm totally confused and feel as though I have no control. I feel like I'm playing the shell game on Let's Make A Deal. Monty Hall has three coconut halves and under each one is a doctor's name and his/her plan for my cure. Of the three, there's only one that's effective, the other two, not so much. Carole Merrill, who of course is in a pink chiffon dress, is trying to distract and confuse me. She's spinning the shells and pushing them in and out and around one another. She's talking really fast and Monty Hall is behind her giving me a counter-point to every point she makes. The game clock is ticking very loud and fast, but in order to get any prize, booby or otherwise, I have to pick one right now, right this minute !!! Crazy, yes I know. But consider the frame of mind of the author..... (why did the guests on that show wear costumes?)

I say all this to tell you that I'm not the grounded, gifted woman of faith that you think I am. I am a wayward, sinful Christian who is struggling with letting go of control. I have a very nice comfort zone from which I operate. This cancer thing is messing up my charts and to do lists you see. Yes, I believe this whole ordeal is an opportunity to glorify God, and I know that it is God and only God who will heal me. But let's not get carried away. I'D RATHER LIVE AS AN UNPUBLISHED AUTHOR THAN DIE A POPULAR BLOGGING MARTYR. Did that sound bad? The anxiety is creeping in just a tad, but through my exhaustion and self doubt God (and good friends) are reminding me of Paul's words in Philippians, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Paul was one cool cucumber. Why just before they chopped off his head he publicly reaffirmed his faith.

When Buck was born with Down syndrome, I grieved the loss of the child I didn't have. What a big bunch of wasted time that was. Buck is the bomb. I can't imagine my life without him, or my other children for that matter. But had I been in the "word" instead of reading stale tea leaves, I would've known that a lot sooner. I suppose that anxiety and fear are symptoms of all hardships. That's why there are thousands of books written on the subject. (I have several myself.)I just need to be reminded that God is the only soothing balm for what ails me and that his book is filled with predictions that are worthy of betting on.

I sent all my film and results to Dr. Kirby Bland in B'ham today. He's going to review everything and make preliminary plans for my treatment. Hopefully they can squeeze me in next week. Pray specifically that he is the man that God would have me see and that somebody somewhere cancels their appointment with him so that I can have it :)


"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

love to all,

melinda